Back in El Salvador

After nearly five intense months of preparation, I am back in El Salvador - and back at work - continuing the pursuit of the call of God in my life. But it hasn't all been smooth sailing, and although I left Santa Cruz with nearly 90% of my committed support raised, and my care team willing and ready, there were many challenges here that awaited me.


My re-entry goals for these first weeks in El Salvador were rather simple - buy an affordable car, rent an adequate apartment, and pass through the time consuming process of gaining 'Missionary Residency' in El Salvador.


But it hasn't been all simple. Out of the 14 days that I have been in El Salvador, six of those were spent sick with painful and debilitating intestinal parasites. On day nine, Rebeca found, and I went and rented the perfectly located apartment, and then on day 10, while moving me in, we discovered that the apartment has no running water. On day 12, I found a car to buy, and on day 13, I was told (before buying it, thanks to God) that it had broken down. Yesterday, I also took my first step in the involved process of applying for and getting my Missionary Residence, and thanks to God, and help from Rebeca, it went very well.


Honestly, I have felt overwhelmed. I am starting to think that 'overwhelming' is one of God's favorite tools for character formation. And yet even when I start to feel this way, there is one thing that hovers in my mind. Psalm 149:2 says:

Let Israel rejoice in their Maker;
Let the children of Zion be joyful in their King.

It's pretty simple. I have a maker, and He is God. I belong to a king, who is looking out for me, and is responsible for my well being, and that king is the LORD Jesus Christ. So I rejoice, and am able to be joyful, even in trials.


Whether I find a house and car, or not. Whether I am given residency, or not. My job is to work as unto the LORD in all that I do, and place all of my trust in Him - and not in things. My calling is to honor Him as my Maker and King, and to rejoice in the simple experience of knowing Him - and in that rejoicing, invite other to join me.


Yesterday, after spending more than 4 hours at government offices in pursuit of my residency, Rebeca and I boarded a bus to leave, and found ourselves entering into a place of conflict. In El Salvador, Evangelists, Beggars, Activists, and Campaigners regularly board buses to publicly share their opinions with the crowds captive audiences gathered there. Often I have found myself praying along as many a brave man stood up to share the Gospel.


But the scene on the bus was different this time around. A man stood up and began to intimidate the crowd with his booming voice and cries of outrage. He chastised them for their intolerance and judgement of his sexual practices. He blamed them for the self hatred and other emotional difficulties that he and other homosexuals had gone through. He charged them to accept and embrace all sexual practices as right and good. And then he threatened them with hellfire and the wrath of God for their supposed 'sins';
twisting and turning Bible verses about love, acceptance, and judgement to his favor, and misquoting stories about the life of David.


The crowd from the beginning had the heads bowed; whether because of shame or fear I will never
know. From the beginning, I felt a struggle within myself as to whether or not I should speak up, and what I should say. Rebeca was sitting next to me, overwhelemed and shocked.


When he began to quote the Scriptures, I could hold my peace no longer. It is one thing to sin, and yet another thing entirely to deceive others into participating in it. Finally, I spoke out.


"You sir, are wrong, and the Bible does not support your position."
My voice answered his. And with a supernatural love and direction, I began to share
"We do not reject you, sir. You are even welcome to come and visit our church."
"We love you in the love of God, the same love that gave you the gift of life, and the freedom to stand here and speak."
Some raised their heads, others opened their eyes, some even covered their ears.
"But we do not love your sin, and will not accept it. Neither will God. You must repent - for all sin is an affront against God"
"Your speech today is an attack against the very love of God, the same divine love that created you, and permits you to stand here and share with these people"
"Some would have you believe that God will reject you because of your sin, but I tell you now that their IS forgiveness for you in the heart of God, if you repent and accept Him."
"Do not fight against the love of God! Repent, and accept Him!"


Red in the face, he looked past my gazed, and repeated his charge to the passengers; one, two, three or more times - full of fury, yet with a deep set confusion upon his face.


As we stood to get off of the bus, a man touched my shoulder, and thanked me for what I had shared. What impact I had, I may never know. But in my mind one thing is clear and important.

I want to honor my King.

Prayer and Praise:

Praise God for my safe arrival back in El Salvador
Praise God for raising up my financial support and care team before I left
Pray for Rebeca and I as she helps me look for the right car and house for me to live in
Pray for me as I start to serve full time in the ministry here with CCSS
Pray for Rebeca as she finishes her University classes this year
Pray for our wedding and future marriage next year
Pray for both of us to clearly hear God's voice, and grow in out intimacy with Him

Overwhelmed

Recently a close friend asked me what teaching children in Nicaragua was like. As I searched my mind to grasp for the right words to describe it, I realized that I needed more time to think about the question. Describing my life in Nicaragua and the missionary work here sometimes feels like last thing I want to do. There are so many different, beautiful, amazing, crazy, sad, and even hurtful things about living and working with the people here (and especially their children); let alone the emotions that come with the experience, that sometimes it seems easier not to think about or describe it -

Last week, I brought some pan dulce (sweet rolls) and bananas for two of my students that have been absent from school the last few days. The older girl (one of my 9-year-old 4th Graders) had been left to care for her seven year old brother (one of my 1st Graders) and her four year old sister while her parents were gone working. This is the same girl who, due to malnutrition, has had fainting spells and severe headaches in my classes; and already missed a week of school two months ago when she burned herself with hot oil while cooking trying to cook for her siblings. The clincher today is that the two younger children that she is taking care of, who have both had many health problems, have just been diagnosed with Hepatitis A (a very painful viral infection which attacks the liver - also almost unknown to most children in the States). And they are almost nearly all alone to deal with it.

The world is an overwhelming place. If you let it, it will tear you apart. Love, joy, pain, sorrow – they are all feelings too intense by themselves to experience or try to take on without Jesus. The Bible tells us that Satan, a fallen angel, is our enemy, and wants to kill us(Is 14:12-21, 1Pet 5:8). We see strong men and women overwhelmed time and time again in the bible – when Jesus and the disciples start sailing on the sea of Galilee – the storm picks up and the disciples loose it (Mark 4:37-38), or when Peter starts to walk on water – but then sinks because of his fear (Matt 14:28-30); even Jesus himself felt overwhelmed – sweating blood while praying in the garden of Gethsemane (Luke 22:44) – and then there's his His famous words on the cross “Eloi Eloi, lama sabachthani” - my God why have you forsaken me (Mark 15:34).

What's it like teaching these children? It's like being overwhelmed, time and time again. So what do you do when you're overwhelmed?

I just started going through the book of John with my 4th grades in Bible class. It's been a really interesting time teaching them, and a real blessing for me as I fall in love with the book of John all over again.

While sitting alone and reading through and reading through chapter 1 for the fiftieth time, I was struck flat in the face by a passage I have probably read through several times without ever really thinking about.

The following day Jesus wanted to go to Galilee, and He found Philip and said to him, "Follow Me." Now Philip was from Bethsaida, the city of Andrew and Peter. Philip found Nathanael and said to him, "We have found Him of whom Moses in the law, and also the prophets, wrote--Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph." And Nathanael said to him, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" Philip said to him, "Come and see." Jesus saw Nathanael coming toward Him, and said, "Behold, an Israelite indeed, in whom is no deceit!" Nathanael said to Him, "How do You know me?" Jesus answered and said to him, "Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you." Nathanael answered and said to Him, "Rabbi, You are the Son of God! You are the King of Israel!" Jesus answered and said to him, "Because I said to you, "I saw you under the fig tree,' do you believe? You will see greater things than these."

John 1:43-50

 

So here I am, feeling overwhelmed and discouraged and unable to do anything about the craziness around me in this completely foreign country, and here is the story of Nathanael's calling as an Apostle. Nathanael (also referred to as Bartholomew) doesn't make a lot of appearances in the New Testament - although we know that Jesus appeared to him after his resurrection, and that he was there for the ascension as well (Jesus did promise that he would see great things). We also know from history that he would be the first missionary to reach (and be martyred in) India. His life story wasn't as interesting to me right now as his initial attitude when meeting Jesus, and Jesus' response.

When Phillip enthusiastically shares Jesus with Nathanael, Nathanael responds with one of the Pharisee's favorite mantras, 'can anything good come from Nazareth?'. When Phillip later brings Nathanael to meet with Jesus, Jesus praises him as being 'a true Israelite free of deceit' - but Nathanael responds by further questioning Jesus' words and personage-

"How do you know me?" He asks Jesus.

And this is where Jesus really demonstrates who he is.


"Before Philip called you, when you were under the fig tree, I saw you." 

Jesus had seen Nathanael before, even though Nathanael had never seen him. Jesus knew where Nathanael was, and what he had been doing. He knew what Nathanael had been thinking, and what was in his heart. When Nathanael thought he was alone, he wasn't really, because God's presence was there, and Jesus was God. And in knowing all that Nathanael had done (certainly well beyond just his time under the fig tree), Jesus still sought him out in person, and called him out as being an upright, true, and honest man.

And then Jesus gave him the promise that he would see great things done.

So here I am, sitting alone under my proverbial fig tree, reading the scriptures, and this story stands out to me. Jesus, this awesomely powerful, loving, just, and strong God, was teaching Nathanael that he was not alone - that he had been called and sought out, and Nathanael both saw and did great things because the rest of his life because of it.

Maybe feeling overwhelmed, isn't so bad. I still feel the pangs of it, but I know now that I am definitely not alone. Am I still unable to change the crazy circumstances around me? Sadly, yes - but then I remember that I don't have to, because know I know that I too will see Jesus do great things because of my little faith. So then - so what if I feel bad - because here I am praying and reading the scriptures, and the same Jesus of the scriptures is using his word and reaching out to me! 


Maybe in the end, being overwhelmed isn't such a bad place to be after all - it seems to do a really good job of bringing me to the Lord. Who knows, then, if in the end that's what drove Nathanael to take his quiet time 'under the fig tree' as well.

 

Why the Silence?

It's been nearly six weeks since my last blog post - and though most of you are content to wait patiently, some of you are asking 'why the silence?'. Six weeks ago, I felt like I was asking the same thing -

Why the silence God?

Seeking Him daily, fasting, praying, reading my Bible and book after Christian book - and still the silence seemed the loudest thing around.
Could it be that instead of answering my all my life's questions for direction...
or listening to my requests for help in ministry...
that God really just wants to talk with me, to have a conversation with me, and to share His heart with me?
Is it really that surprising that He sometimes chooses to put a pause on the communication; especially when I get so wrapped up in myself - in my wants, my needs, my desires, that I fail to hear from Him?
Is it so incomprehensible that God could feel hurt, or even get tired of such a one-sided conversation in a relationship?

And yet even then, silence isn't really the right word, is it? Jesus said that even the rocks would cry out declaring the glory of God if we didn't (Luke 19:40). Psalm 148 shows us that the whole earth is declaring His glory - and that the majesty of the LORD is spread across the sky. Have you ever stopped to see His majesty in the sky? In times of great need and great silence I am very often overwhelmed and overtaken watching the beauty of the stars or the sunset as they brilliantly scream "God is good! He is a God of love! He is a God of power!". And yet, it only seems that in the moments of silence we are actually able to stop and look. What does this stir up in your heart when you think about it? What feelings or images come to your mind? As I exhale slowly and deeply, I'm caught up in the Gospel narrative, somewhere between creation and the crucifixion, enraptured with the idea of a God so powerful, yet so loving, that overtaken by His own love He choses to love me. How could I have been so negligent, so stubborn, in actually rejecting a relationship with God in exchange for blessings from Him?

And when the silence lifts (because it always lifts), I remember again the deep joy and sweet comfort of hearing His voice uninterrupted. But somehow, I feel different. I feel like I know Him better; or at least, I trust Him more for who He is. And I miss Him, and am excited to hear His voice. They say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder". What does it all mean? Sometimes even after leaving the fog behind, I still don't feel like I know exactly where I am going, but I am learning to thank God for the silence.

The Power of a Changed Life

The prophet Jeremiah is one of my favorite prophets, and one of my favorite books in the Bible to read.

"I chose you before I formed you in the womb; I set you apart before you were born. I appointed you a prophet to the nations." But I protested, "Oh no, Lord God! Look, I don't know how to speak since I am only a youth." Then the Lord said to me: "Do not say: I am only a youth, for you will go to everyone I send you to and speak whatever I tell you. Do not be afraid of anyone, for I will be with you to deliver you." Then the Lord reached out His hand, touched my mouth, and told me: "Look, I have filled your mouth with My words. See, today I have set you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and demolish, to build and to plant"

Jeremiah 1:5-10

When I am honest with God, and honest with myself, I feel like Jeremiah did, knowing that my words don't reach deep enough to touch the scarred hearts of the people in Nicaragua. I look in the mirror, and I see a ruddy eyed youth, rash but with an inner strength, with a love and passion I still don't fully understand, and all of it laid up there within me by a God greater than the near-infinite universe He created, waiting for my obedience to stir me to life again, and... I am only a youth.
And on a good day I am encouraged, although still strikingly unable to make a difference in my own power, and on a bad day...

shifting the focus from myself, I look into the scriptures.

"Do not say: I am only a youth, for you will go to everyone I send you to and speak whatever I tell you. Do not be afraid of anyone, for I will be with you to deliver you." Then the Lord reached out His hand, touched my mouth, and told me: "Look, I have filled your mouth with My words. See, today I have set you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and demolish, to build and to plant"

I suddenly remember that I am not here to succeed or to fail, but to obey. I remember that my words will fail, but that His words wont. I remember that I am on a mission, that doesn't have to do with who I am, but with who He is. I look at myself again and see something different; I am both broken in my fragility and weakness, and yet strong and formidable under His promise of protection. His words will reach deep enough. And so I wake up in the morning at 6:15, and I prepare for my heart to teach my classes, and, on a good day I remember to pray for my students, and for their hearts as well. I look for the Lord's promises for their lives. Kingdoms of darkness uprooted and destroyed - seeds of hope, faith, and truth planted. New lives built on new promises.

They say that sin is a like your credit card company, but worse. You always get your bill, and you always get it on time, but instead of paying sin, sin pays you.

The children in my class are still receiving their 'sin payments'.

For sin they have done or were a part of, for the sin their parents have done, or signed their children's names to, for the sin of their people and their nation.

But as 'faithful' a master as sin is, God is so much more faithful. His words and promises to these children are actively changing the face of their world. They are changing the homes that they live in, the families they live with, and the hearts that they live through. And it's something I have the opportunity of watching every day - in my classroom with my students - in visiting and talking with their parents, and in the neighborhood around me.

What is the power of a changed life? What does that mean?
It means that God is doing everything and more in the lives of these children. It means that He sees the abuses and hardships they go through, and is hurt deeper and more profoundly by it then they themselves can even begin to comprehend. It means that as 1st Corinthians chapter 1 tells us - He delights in using the weak and foolish things of the world to confound the wise and powerful. It means that as these children learn about who God is and what love really means, that God is actively working in them to prosper them and prepare them for great lives ahead of them. Not as doctors and lawyers, but as leaders in a mighty movement.
As mighty men and women of God - charging forward and challenging the darkness.

And so, I look at myself and say, I am just a youth, but God is not just a God.
He is the God, and He is loveliest answer and greatest resource this world could ever dream of having.
And so, the power of a changed life becomes more than possible - it becomes the very least of what God can do for these children, and for me.

The Author of Details

The school year is about to start, with two weeks left and counting. As the classroom and students get prepared, with fresh paint on walls and with new clothes on backs, I know that my preparation starts not on the exterior, but within my heart.

What is it that God desires from me this year? What is his plan for my fourth graders? What things does He want to speak into their lives? What healing and deep revelation does He have in store for them? What will prepare them for what lies ahead?

Without knowing why exactly He has called me to Nicaragua, and without needing to know, I prepare to take a step forward into the unseen, confident not in what shall catch my foot as it falls, but in who is holding me up. I feel like a child, sitting on his father’s shoulders for the first time - walking home at dusk. I can’t quite see the ground beneath his feet, nor do I know exactly where he is taking me in the quickly darkening surroundings, but I know who my father is. The struggle then becomes struggle itself - for with every twist of my body and shaking of my legs, I further incite the risk of falling from of his shoulders, and meeting the ground that I so fear below.

I’ve been told that the primary responsibility we have in the lives of God’s precious children is the development of their gifts. Children have the unique ability to see and believe in God and in His awesome love and power with staunch faith unmoved by even the ugliest of experiences the life has to offer- but are also endowed with the unique vulnerability and purity of being naïve and open to the all the world has to offer. So then who are these beautiful young men and women walking into my classroom? What does God have in store for their long lives? Where is He taking them on His shoulders? In what are they struggling with or stumbling by?

As I pray and mediate I finally understand that my being here has in actuality very little to do with me being here, and much more to do with God working in their lives. And so I thank God, that as we move forward together, it’s not about me or what I have to gain or offer, but about sitting quietly, resisting the urge to struggle, and appreciating the opportunity to safely move forward while gazing upward and outward at the beautiful night’s sky and all of her attractions.

And so, I will leave the details in the hands of the Author of details, and focus on the work ahead - while maintaining my sense of awe and wonder with the King, so great and noble, as to adopt me into His kingdom. The Author of details has it all worked out, all I have left to do is abide in obedience.